Dear World:

yes, sometimes women are violent. Yes, sometimes queer persons are violent. Yes, we should hold them just as responsible as violent men.

No, a queer woman being violen doesn’t give you permission to be homophobic.

p.s. if you really out here insisting lesbians are women ‘who playing man’ & that ‘playing man’ INCLUDES VIOLENT PREDILECTIONS, you’re not merely being homophobic—you’re insisting intimate partner violence is an innately masculine trait that is unavoidable in a relationship.

Neither men nor queer folks need that kinda bullshit in their life, thanks. Just try the alleged abuser for the alleged abuse and move on.

Fuck. Sometimes I really do think that the assumptions people make about who can abuse someone, how, & why make the conversation so hard to have for victims who don’t fit in that box even when they’re left out of the conversation. It’s gross and frustrating and I lack more words.

Like, how you gonna make being queer the catalyst of a violence when there are queer victims? How you gonna make being a woman who commits violence a rarity when there are female abusers? What narrative you really need propped up so badly that you’d put up these two pillars?

That there are people who deserve it? That there are kinds of abuse we ignore because they’re commonplace and kinds we hyperfocus on because you can spin them to say queer folks are innately broken & dangerous? Fuck all of that noise.

Sometimes the very conversation about abuse says less that we want abuse to stop and we want relationships to be safe and full of trust, and says more that there are folks we think either know suffering too well to need saving or deserve suffering too perfectly for us to bother.

All this conversation has done is remind me that there are entire sub-communities in our unsafe spaces who claim to make their business about other people’s safety when really they just want to claim the power of knowing what makes suffering real to or deserved by its victims.

People who think they’re weighing the hearts of people when really they’re unduly nitpicking about what makes violence real, and just as willing to make one abuser worse than another because of something unattached to their violence as they are willing to absolve other abusers.

Abuse is not an attachment to a body. Even simply seeing it as an attachment to gendered performance limits the ways in which we see who can hurt whom. If we can’t talk about it without calling one story better or worse based on those assumptions, then we can’t keep anyone safe.

Consider: are the queer victims of intimate partner violence served by the assumption that queer folks are violent because of their queerness? How do we keep queer victims safe in that case? By policing those dangerous assumptions instead of letting victims speak?

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Wandering Shop

The Wandering Shop is a Mastodon instance initially geared for the science fiction and fantasy community but open to anyone. We want our 'local' timeline to have the feel of a coffee shop at a good convention: tables full of friendly conversation on a wide variety of topics. We welcome everyone who wants to participate, so long as you're willing to abide by our code of conduct.