**qwertystop** @qwertystop · May 22, 2018, 16:30

**qwertystop** @qwertystop · May 22, 2018, 16:30

qwertystop @qwertystop

May 22, 2018, 16:30

Dysphoria? Uncetainty. Stream-of-consciousness Show more

1/?

Struggling to come up with how to say this for a while but on the whole I think it'll help me to say it.

I said back in my introduction that gender wasn't a part of my identity but it wasn't worth the trouble to present as not cis. That was a fairly new... revelation? at the time and I think it's kept shifting. A while ago I kept seeing things along the lines of "if you keep agonizing over whether or not you're trans you're probably trans".

**qwertystop** @qwertystop · May 22, 2018, 16:37

**qwertystop** @qwertystop · May 22, 2018, 16:37

May 22, 2018, 16:37

qwertystop @qwertystop

Dysphoria? Uncetainty. Stream-of-consciousness Show more

2/?

And... well, while I don't know how much to credit that or not, the fact is that the question's not going away. I look in the mirror and I hate the little bit of stubble that doesn't shave away. Don't really care that much about the rest of my body; I'm a beanpole, not much room for change there. I've started growing my hair out, but it's only barely long enough to tie back so that's not breaking anyone's readings yet.

**qwertystop** @qwertystop · May 22, 2018, 16:40

**qwertystop** @qwertystop · May 22, 2018, 16:40

May 22, 2018, 16:40

qwertystop @qwertystop

Dysphoria? Uncetainty. Stream-of-consciousness Show more

3/?

Considering shaving arms (I don't wear shorts, don't care about legs) but that'll be outwardly obvious, and I'm nervous.

Considering changing how I dress, but I was never one to care about fashion; I've had all my clothes for years except a couple of printed tees, all bought by my mum back in high-school with no input from me beyond whether it fits. So I'm not sure where to go there; haven't got a clue what I'm doing.

**qwertystop** @qwertystop · May 22, 2018, 16:45

**qwertystop** @qwertystop · May 22, 2018, 16:45

May 22, 2018, 16:45

qwertystop @qwertystop

Dysphoria? Uncetainty. Stream-of-consciousness Show more

4/?

Asked her for advice on dressing "androgynous" as a first-step. She wasn't sure what that meant, for a guy to dress androgynously, except possibly boat-neck shirts? She also asked "You don't want to wear *a dress*, right?" (I said no) with sufficient shocked disbelief that I've avoided the topic since. I honestly have no idea how the family feels about trans people; I've got two gay uncles and everyone's fine with that, but that's no guarantee.

**qwertystop** @qwertystop · 2018-05-22T17:04:07Z

qwertystop @qwertystop

Dysphoria? Uncertainty. Stream-of-consciousness Show more

5/?

(Oh, this whole chain is #advice and #help if you've got anything to say, plus #dysphoria and #trans and probably other things. I never remember to tag the first time...)

May 22, 2018, 17:04 · 0 · 0

**qwertystop** @qwertystop · May 22, 2018, 17:10

**qwertystop** @qwertystop · May 22, 2018, 17:10

May 22, 2018, 17:10

qwertystop @qwertystop

Dysphoria? Uncertainty. Stream-of-consciousness Show more

6/?

And then, well, then I join on here, and who do I find within minutes but the hexagon herself, @HTHR , who in many ways seems like me-but-better: trans woman self-confident has-actually-made-games don't-flirt-or-get-horny-at-me and has the nerve to not be background.

(sorry for awkward)

As compared to me, confused-possibly-dysphoric game-dev-major-with-no-portfolio nervous ace wants-to-socialize-but-can't-do-it couldn't stand out if I tried.

**qwertystop** @qwertystop · May 22, 2018, 17:18

**qwertystop** @qwertystop · May 22, 2018, 17:18

May 22, 2018, 17:18

qwertystop @qwertystop

Dysphoria? Uncertainty. Stream-of-consciousness Show more

7/?

So that's an entirely new kind of confused. And then on top of that you add the #autism thing. Diagnosed early elementary back when it was still Asperger's, but I never really identified as an "Aspie" the way some did, it was just background. Learned the word "stimming" like two months ago which had such a click in the same there's-a-word-for-it way as learning "asexual". So now there's another major addition to self-image/common thoughts.

**qwertystop** @qwertystop · May 22, 2018, 17:22

**qwertystop** @qwertystop · May 22, 2018, 17:22

May 22, 2018, 17:22

qwertystop @qwertystop

Dysphoria? Uncertainty. Stream-of-consciousness Show more

8/8

And in the end... I dunno. It's all a muddle and I don't like a muddle, I like having a box to fit in but I don't know which box it is that I fit.

I think it might have helped to vent? I hope so. If you've got any #advice I'm glad to hear it.

(it occurs to me this thread is a goldmine if anyone were to dox me, so hopefully that doesn't happen)

**void state blues** @HTHR@cybre.space · May 22, 2018, 20:28

**void state blues** @HTHR@cybre.space · May 22, 2018, 20:28

May 22, 2018, 20:28

void state blues @HTHR@cybre.space

@qwertystop every step you take towards being your ideal self is a good step!!! you have people in you life who love you for who you are and want to see you grow into the person you want to become!!! approach identity with great fury and soon you will find where you need to go 💪🔥💜