4/ So I feel a little diminished by not connecting with people, and it hurts every time. It's a little related to RSD. Which I am trying not to feel in advance from people who have not rejected me yet. Other people have a lot going on. I still have an anxiety hangover from the past few weeks/months. I hate
3/ omg this is the dumbest drug infused rambling. It might be the first time I remembered to number my related toots.
Recent ex texted me earlier this week (did I already write about that here?) inviting me to a barbecue he was having today. I declined, but I really wish I didn't know about it. No contact helped with not staying mentally hooked in when I wanted to be free of that. I don't want to block him; he's not a boundary pusher, and I may not mind contact in the future.
2/ So I am self-medicating a bit (in the safe and responsible manner that I do). I should go do clay stuff, but in my medicated state will probably end up with some gloppy mud. I always tell myself, with clay there are endless do-overs, I just mush up what doesn't go well and start over. Unlike life. But in a way it is; I am unable to re-claim 100% of the clay. Some dregs get dumped outside with the dirty water bucket. Diminished a little each time, and I feel like that now.
1/ The roof is finally finished, my driveway is mine again, and it is quiet as I want it to be without turning off the electricity. I had no idea a metal roof was so time consuming to install. It's been 3 weeks of them being here daily (2 person crew), and they weren't even that noisy, but it was 3 weeks of low-level stress on top of my usual whatever.
And now I don't feel like doing anything, and have either feels, or no feels that should be feels but I don't wanna.
I really hate when I finish a pot, and I think it's pretty good, and the next day I kind of hate it. I tell myself, I will use this for glaze testing. But the only thing to do is just keep practicing and making more stuff. I know I can do better, but the self-criticism is demotivating. So many pots are "ok but the rim is not good", or "curved part is wonky" or I just look at it and do not like, or otherwise not up to my own vision.
mental health, meds (+)
70mg Vyvanse, day 2. I hope it works as well as it did today once I settle in with it. I focused and did my job and then I mostly cleared off the kitchen table, although a lot of paper got moved into the office where it still needs to be organized. And I cooked a big pot of bean stew. That is more than I’ve done in one day in a long time.
There’s no euphoria or crash, which I appreciate. 3 day weekend didn’t hurt my mood either.
Still sick with a cold. Why did I think doing some laundry would be a good idea? It's sitting in the dryer and I have to go back upstairs and at least fold a few things.
I did take a long hot shower, which was nice. Thanks to past me for getting a shower stool. I might take another one later and steam my sinuses some more.
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